Oh Beautiful Day

Amazingly I am still here, what a crazy time this has been. So much change, so much emotions, and so much turmoil...

Today I will refocus on the positive side of things. To start, I know that I am safe. I am free of the insecurities and can speak my mind when I don't like something that is going on in my life without too much repercussion. I will not be harmed in any way and am free of ever having to feel that kind of hurt again. I am safe!

I am happy and loved...
I know that even though my children are hurt right now and that they may say things that are hurtful, this is their way of dealing with the chaos that is happening around them. I am happy and feel loved and this is what they need to see in order to feel better about how things are changing. Eventually the truth will prevail and it will be fine. Some day they will grow up and be able to understand.

Instead of focussing on how hard my life has been I am going to focus on how great it will be. God only gives us as much as we can handle so I will try to keep that in mind when I am frustrated. I have wonderful friends in my life and have a strong support system from my "new" family that I now have the confidence to continue on.

I will make decisions with my own happiness and safety in mind along with my childrens', but I will take ownership over how I will allow people to make me feel. Today is another beautiful day in my wonderful life!

This quote was sent in an email from someone very special to my heart...thanks D!
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

A New Outlook

I am finally in that place where I can sit back, take a breath, smell the flowers, and watch my new life unfold. What a great feeling this is!

I am taking charge of what I want (not controlling it), but by surrounding myself with the people that I love and the people that I am most happiest with I am taking charge of the outcome. My greatest moments are defined with the amount of laughter and the smiles. No longer am I crying or sad and I love it!

Coming into this new life I have been faced with many challenges and obstacles, but I have realized that these have made me stronger. I am able to voice my opinions and tell others what I am feeling and can be confident that I am being heard. There is still plenty of unknowns that I will have to deal with, this time though I will face them without fear.

The divorce is getting closer and I am at peace with that now, too. This is going to be good for us all. I can honestly say now that I am important and my feelings are important and this is all that matters right now. I deserve happiness and this is what I will strive for. I am not alone in my life and I will keep moving forward.

Oh happy day!

Full Speed Ahead

Currently I am working very hard to stay focused on what I want for my life. The quest for happiness seems to be a little bit difficult lately. I find myself falling back into my old ways of thinking and the feelings of insecurity keep resurfacing. I don't know how to convince my mind and heart that it's all going to be OK even though it sometimes feels like I am spinning out of control. If I could just make the two understand that because it's different or new it doesn't always mean bad or not right.

I did make progress though and feel much better today about where I am at with my kids. Honesty is always a good thing and since I have left them in the dark for so long on what has been going on in my life, being able to tell them finally has been such a relief. Letting them see me happy and letting them know that I am safe I think was long overdue. I have always strived for greatness when it came to how my children saw me and I think to show them that although I have been weak periodically, I will be strong for all of us now.

Getting to the point of letting go of control over everything is yet another thing on my list to correct. When I feel that I am not in control of things I start to feel panicked and tend to back down and just turn away. I have to understand that GOD has a plan for my life and HE has led me right to where I am today. Although the road seems uncertain and unpredictable I am right where I am supposed to be. So, goal for today, just sit back and let things happen and QUIT trying to control it.

Communication is another area I want to work on. I am so used to not being heard that I finally just quit talking and telling people how I feel. This is definitely not the healthy way to be so I will set the goal today to TALK, TALK, TALK! How will anyone know what I want or expect from them if I don't communicate with them? I have feelings and wants that will make happy and I will no longer keep them buried inside. I love the promise of never going to bed angry or mad.

I now know what true love feels like and what a great feeling it is! I am no longer standing alone. I like the fact that my words are valued and that someone really does care to hear what I have to say. My emptiness for that "ONE" missing piece to my life has been fulfilled and I am grateful. Thank you Randy for walking beside me and not making me follow. Thank you for loving me entirely and for being able to overlook my faults and just love me for the person that I am! I am excited about our future together, along with our children, and all of the new memories that we will have together! I love you baby!

I am happy, I am safe, and I am loved!

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me, and just be my friend. - Albert Camus

Today I am back on my roller coaster of emotions, but I am feeling different about the way I am going to handle it. Today I will own up to what I need to do to put my mind at ease and I WILL NOT let the negativity suck me in.

I am learning on my journey that you definitely need some supportive people to talk to or you really will just go insane. I am thankful for the friends and family that I have in my life and especially my new love because they all, at some point, have needed to be my rock that centers me. It's hard to get to that point where you are willing to knock down that walls that you have built around yourself and let someone in, but with practice and patience I am working on that. There is some embarrassment involved in this process though because you think to yourself, "What the hell was I doing holding on for so long?", but nonetheless at least I am changing now.

I have always been a fighter in whatever I was doing. One that never gave up until the problem was either solved or gone. This huge problem that I have been dealing with just so happened to last for 14 years and now I want it to just disappear. I don't want to hate Chris because that's just not who I am, but dang it he is making it very easy to do just that very thing. I pray hard everyday that today will be the day that he just lets go and that it's over...no more fighting. Definitely not the case today!

I am ready to love again and enter on a new journey. I have been sitting in the background long enough and I am kind of feeling impatient to be done with the divorce. I pray for the strength to keep going, I pray for wisdom to not fall for the old lies, I pray for honesty in my words so not to hurt anyone, I pray for guidance so I know my direction. Mostly I pray for happiness though, I deserve it!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today has been a productive day, actually it was a good day! I found some clarity in what I was feeling and I am finally able to say what I feel without being afraid of anyone being mad about it. I am safe in my thoughts and for sure in my life and that really feels good.

So, onto my thoughts...

The divorce process is such a huge part of my uneasiness and stress for sure. I have finally let go and now I just have to convince the other party that it's the right thing for everyone involved. I have definitely moved on and am no longer in that relationship, physically or mentally. It's hard and probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do because it means that the family that we had and the life and the friends are no longer ours, but his or mine. Kind of strange, but not the worst thing that I could be dealing with by no means. Progress for sure!!

Onto happy thoughts. I am comfortable in my own skin today. Feeling a bit sassy and a whole lot more at ease. Maybe it was a conversation that I had with one of my oldest and dearest friends today. I was reminded that when I form my relationships with others, whether it is a man or a woman, I have always given it my everything. Although I have allowed some of my relationships to overpower me, this being the case of my failed marriage, this will not be the case anymore. I am a strong woman who is deserving of true love and true happiness.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day and who knows what it holds, but I do know that I will be just a little bit stronger than today and definitely alot stronger than yesterday. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other and breathe!

Love the one you are with...I do. Good night!

Blah

Today has been a difficult day. It seems that there is no end in sight to the insanity going on in my life. I feel as if I am on this roller coaster that never stops. There are moments when I am completely happy and at ease then there are those moments when I am feeling stressed and tense. I wish on days like this there was a manual available to just open up and turn to a page and suddenly you just know how to get through it all.

I have left myself completely open to be hurt and taken advantage of for so long that it sometimes feels like I don't even know how the other side of that is supposed to feel or if even in fact what I am experiencing now still isn't that. I have never been one to hurt people's feelings by any means, but lately somehow that's all I have been doing. My kids, my friends, and my life I feel that I have just abandoned it all. I feel like a fish out of water because I am not taking care of everyone and making sure that they are happy and all of their needs are met, but instead I am sitting here in my selfish little life...

I suppose the saying stands true, "You are your own worst enemy", but it still sucks nonetheless. Tonight I will pray a little longer and try to work through all the garbage because this is driving me nuts!

Goals for tomorrow...
1. make a conscious effort to not hurt anyone's feelings
2. be kind to myself
3. let the ones that I love know that I love them
4. put one foot in front of the other and breathe

Here I Am!

I have recently taken a break from my writing and somehow found myself back here again (thanks Babe). This time though I am writing with a bit more clarity than the previous entries and a heck of alot more confidence. Lots of changes have happened over the past few months and in taking a look back and reading the other blogs I would have to say it's been very good change.

To start, I am officially in the process of divorce, I filed the final paper today which now begins the 60 day countdown. There were moments of feeling weak and powerless through this process, but with the help from some very loving and kind people I have found strength to follow through with it and FINALLY to listen to my heart as well. I am at peace with my decisions and no longer have any regrets. This is what I need and what is good for just me.

It's been a long time since I have ever felt like I was being selfish, but right now I definitely would call it that because this is totally all about me and my feelings. I am owning my destiny in a way and taking charge of what I want in my life. Positive, kind, caring, and loving people to surround me. I deserve all that is good and to smile every day and to be able to laugh with someone. I am the happiest that I have been in a long while and look forward to each new day and what it will bring.

I pray every day for guidance and peace to continue in the direction that I am headed and to simply just be happy! To new beginnings and second chances...

Phenomenally, phenomenal woman, that's me!