Today seemed like it was a little more slow moving than the previous days have been. Maybe it was the weather outside that made me want to stay in bed, I wasn't sure. I came home lastnight to an empty house which really wasn't all that different from a lot of other nights, but lastnight seemed different, I was lonelier.
I don't know how to be alone really and I think that is what scares me the most. My whole life has always been filled with people. My family, my kids, my husband, my friends. Someone has always needed me. And coming home to my empty house it brought out the thought that maybe it's not so much that someone needed me, but now I needed someone. The only person that I can think of in my quietness today was HIM.
For quite some time now I haven't needed HIM, so I thought, and really lost focus of our relationship. I quit talking to HIM and quit thinking of HIM. This really brought on an empty feeling deep within. I tried to stay in bed today and sleep because then I wouldn't have to think about it all. It didn't work. So, I just started talking and explaining what has been going on with me and my thought processes. I admitted that I was afraid of what the future had in store for me and my kids. I told HIM that I was ashamed that I pushed him aside and how I thought I could do this on my own. I felt more at ease once I was finished. Then I got out of bed.
So, another realization for me today has been that I am not alone, HE is always with me. This brought so much comfort to me and I was able to push aside all those ugly feelings that were trying to overcome me. I ended up having a good time with my family tonight because I was willing to let go once again. I am going to make it a point to quit trying to control everything in my life because that just isn't how things work. Everything happens for a reason. It has to or it just keeps repeating itself.
I am off to bed now in my empty house, but tonight I am not lonely this time.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
I went into today with only one mission in mind and that was to be kind to myself. I laid in bed for a long time deciding what I really wanted to do to achieve this morning. This then brought me back to my inventory of "I wants", which is basically everything that I have been without for so long. These "things" are not real things that I could just run to the store and buy, but simpler things because I wanted to start out small. So, I decided that I wanted to laugh. Simple...yeah right. I am a horrible joke teller so that was of no help. Nothing too funny happened to me lately, still no help. Then in that moment a light bulb went off in my head.
A little background information first...
As part of making myself a better person I began a workout program with one of my close friends here in NE. The goal was to be healthier, but this has given me more than just better physical health I have realized and it now included better mental health as well. And this is why...
I remembered back to a class that we took on Wednesday of this week which was a Body Pump class. This class is a high intensity weight lifting/cardio workout which includes using variations of movements and weights throughout the workout to build muscle. This class is taught by a very small oriental woman that really gets into the workouts. On this night she went into great detail to explain what muscles we were working on and where they were located and such. So, we get to the arms portion of the workout and she flexes her arm to demonstrate what this muscle was and how the proper exercised one should look like. Kathy and I, very confident that we had it, too, both flexed like she did only to find out we were broken because ours definitely didn't look like hers. We quickly quit trying to find this lost muscle and picked up our weights without saying anything more, even to each other. I pretended not to see her looking for hers though.
Still in bed, I called up Kathy and started talking about that class and admitted to her that I couldn't find that muscle the instructor was talking about. She confessed that she couldn't find hers either. Finally, something funny to laugh about! This continued on for quite sometime as we inventoried ALL of the muscles that had disappeared over time on our bodies and couldn't see anymore. Still laughing.
So, in being kind to myself, I learned to laugh at myself. As simple as it was it was powerful. This set the tone for my whole day and I continued finding the humor in everything that I faced. A conversation that I had with my youngest son about my makeover, my grandson's silly little faces he was making, my throbbing toe, and most importantly... ME. I laughed the whole day and I felt good knowing I had the confidence to do it out loud. I felt surrounded in a warmth that I haven't felt before. Maybe it was HIM shining his ever powerful light upon me to let me know he could hear me, maybe it was simply the sun, maybe it was just all the hot air I was letting out in my laughter. It felt wonderful whatever it was and am thankful today for that lesson to myself.
A little background information first...
As part of making myself a better person I began a workout program with one of my close friends here in NE. The goal was to be healthier, but this has given me more than just better physical health I have realized and it now included better mental health as well. And this is why...
I remembered back to a class that we took on Wednesday of this week which was a Body Pump class. This class is a high intensity weight lifting/cardio workout which includes using variations of movements and weights throughout the workout to build muscle. This class is taught by a very small oriental woman that really gets into the workouts. On this night she went into great detail to explain what muscles we were working on and where they were located and such. So, we get to the arms portion of the workout and she flexes her arm to demonstrate what this muscle was and how the proper exercised one should look like. Kathy and I, very confident that we had it, too, both flexed like she did only to find out we were broken because ours definitely didn't look like hers. We quickly quit trying to find this lost muscle and picked up our weights without saying anything more, even to each other. I pretended not to see her looking for hers though.
Still in bed, I called up Kathy and started talking about that class and admitted to her that I couldn't find that muscle the instructor was talking about. She confessed that she couldn't find hers either. Finally, something funny to laugh about! This continued on for quite sometime as we inventoried ALL of the muscles that had disappeared over time on our bodies and couldn't see anymore. Still laughing.
So, in being kind to myself, I learned to laugh at myself. As simple as it was it was powerful. This set the tone for my whole day and I continued finding the humor in everything that I faced. A conversation that I had with my youngest son about my makeover, my grandson's silly little faces he was making, my throbbing toe, and most importantly... ME. I laughed the whole day and I felt good knowing I had the confidence to do it out loud. I felt surrounded in a warmth that I haven't felt before. Maybe it was HIM shining his ever powerful light upon me to let me know he could hear me, maybe it was simply the sun, maybe it was just all the hot air I was letting out in my laughter. It felt wonderful whatever it was and am thankful today for that lesson to myself.
Day 2 of my Quest
So, now I am into my second day of finding myself. Today I am feeling that I have a little bit more clarity on where I am heading with my life. There is a sense of calm deep within and I am feeling quite at peace with my decisions up to this point. Another positive thing that I have found out is that I can trust my gut to lead me into the right direction and that I don't have to second guess whether it is the right thing to do. I can make decisions that will benefit me and be safe in making them.
I am heading towards a divorce for the second time which has brought on all this searching to find myself. At first, I thought to myself, "What is wrong with me that I can't make a marriage work after 13 years?". Now though I know that it wasn't just me that helped in this breakdown. It was both of us and I am willing to accept my responsibility for my part, but I am also going to let it go now and move forward. Instead of trying to fix it like I normally would have done or have tried to do I am now going to fix myself so that this doesn't happen again.
I am worthy of receiving honest, sincere, and loving relationships from others and with that said I am going to search for just that. I have let others take advantage of my own identity and takeover in my relationships, but starting today that will change. I am taking the power back and the only person you will see is ME!
If someone that I meet during this quest of finding myself doesn't like the person they see in front of them then maybe they weren't meant to be a part of my life anyway. Today the goal is as follows: love myself, trust myself, laugh, and take the time to smell those roses everyone speaks about. Ha ha. See I am already laughing!!! Maybe I will discover that I am a real funny person, too. I love you and I love ME!
I am heading towards a divorce for the second time which has brought on all this searching to find myself. At first, I thought to myself, "What is wrong with me that I can't make a marriage work after 13 years?". Now though I know that it wasn't just me that helped in this breakdown. It was both of us and I am willing to accept my responsibility for my part, but I am also going to let it go now and move forward. Instead of trying to fix it like I normally would have done or have tried to do I am now going to fix myself so that this doesn't happen again.
I am worthy of receiving honest, sincere, and loving relationships from others and with that said I am going to search for just that. I have let others take advantage of my own identity and takeover in my relationships, but starting today that will change. I am taking the power back and the only person you will see is ME!
If someone that I meet during this quest of finding myself doesn't like the person they see in front of them then maybe they weren't meant to be a part of my life anyway. Today the goal is as follows: love myself, trust myself, laugh, and take the time to smell those roses everyone speaks about. Ha ha. See I am already laughing!!! Maybe I will discover that I am a real funny person, too. I love you and I love ME!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
A day spent in thought.
Today seems like it's going to be one of those days when you just feel the need to inventory your life. A day when you question all your life's decisions and wonder what the meaning was behind each one that you made. Well, for me I am in this day, ready to evaluate where I am and where I am heading. So long ago I have given up being a person who was selfish and wantful because I had my children so young. I made every decision based on how it was going to affect them. In doing this though I feel I have cheated myself somehow and now have lost sight of who I really am. I let go of my "I wants" and replaced them with "what they need". So 21 years after the birth of my first child I am now finding that there are things that I really want out of life that I haven't been afforded before. These things though, I am realizing, are such a dramatic turn from where I am at right now that I find it kind of scary to even be wanting them at my age. Anyhow, here it goes. Maybe saying them out loud will make it more reality. I want to know that I have raised three children up to be prosperous, generous, loving, kind, and respectful adults. I want to know love like no other where there is no pity or shame in feeling that way towards someone or that someone feels that way about me. I want to help others and give back through a medical career so that I can be happy of what I accomplished that day. I want to be a woman that is able to stand on her own two feet without feeling insecure or lonely or helpless. I want to be a powerful influence on my grandson and teach him the important things about life. I want to be a role model for all those that I encounter in my life, giving hope that things really can change. Well, anyway, those are just the tip of the iceburg of things that I am finding in my heart today. Writing this has been uplifting and I feel a bit more at ease with my quest for happiness. Thank you for reading. Dance as if no one's watching...Sing as if no one's listening...Live as if there's no tomorrow!
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