Oh Beautiful Day

Amazingly I am still here, what a crazy time this has been. So much change, so much emotions, and so much turmoil...

Today I will refocus on the positive side of things. To start, I know that I am safe. I am free of the insecurities and can speak my mind when I don't like something that is going on in my life without too much repercussion. I will not be harmed in any way and am free of ever having to feel that kind of hurt again. I am safe!

I am happy and loved...
I know that even though my children are hurt right now and that they may say things that are hurtful, this is their way of dealing with the chaos that is happening around them. I am happy and feel loved and this is what they need to see in order to feel better about how things are changing. Eventually the truth will prevail and it will be fine. Some day they will grow up and be able to understand.

Instead of focussing on how hard my life has been I am going to focus on how great it will be. God only gives us as much as we can handle so I will try to keep that in mind when I am frustrated. I have wonderful friends in my life and have a strong support system from my "new" family that I now have the confidence to continue on.

I will make decisions with my own happiness and safety in mind along with my childrens', but I will take ownership over how I will allow people to make me feel. Today is another beautiful day in my wonderful life!

This quote was sent in an email from someone very special to my heart...thanks D!
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

A New Outlook

I am finally in that place where I can sit back, take a breath, smell the flowers, and watch my new life unfold. What a great feeling this is!

I am taking charge of what I want (not controlling it), but by surrounding myself with the people that I love and the people that I am most happiest with I am taking charge of the outcome. My greatest moments are defined with the amount of laughter and the smiles. No longer am I crying or sad and I love it!

Coming into this new life I have been faced with many challenges and obstacles, but I have realized that these have made me stronger. I am able to voice my opinions and tell others what I am feeling and can be confident that I am being heard. There is still plenty of unknowns that I will have to deal with, this time though I will face them without fear.

The divorce is getting closer and I am at peace with that now, too. This is going to be good for us all. I can honestly say now that I am important and my feelings are important and this is all that matters right now. I deserve happiness and this is what I will strive for. I am not alone in my life and I will keep moving forward.

Oh happy day!

Full Speed Ahead

Currently I am working very hard to stay focused on what I want for my life. The quest for happiness seems to be a little bit difficult lately. I find myself falling back into my old ways of thinking and the feelings of insecurity keep resurfacing. I don't know how to convince my mind and heart that it's all going to be OK even though it sometimes feels like I am spinning out of control. If I could just make the two understand that because it's different or new it doesn't always mean bad or not right.

I did make progress though and feel much better today about where I am at with my kids. Honesty is always a good thing and since I have left them in the dark for so long on what has been going on in my life, being able to tell them finally has been such a relief. Letting them see me happy and letting them know that I am safe I think was long overdue. I have always strived for greatness when it came to how my children saw me and I think to show them that although I have been weak periodically, I will be strong for all of us now.

Getting to the point of letting go of control over everything is yet another thing on my list to correct. When I feel that I am not in control of things I start to feel panicked and tend to back down and just turn away. I have to understand that GOD has a plan for my life and HE has led me right to where I am today. Although the road seems uncertain and unpredictable I am right where I am supposed to be. So, goal for today, just sit back and let things happen and QUIT trying to control it.

Communication is another area I want to work on. I am so used to not being heard that I finally just quit talking and telling people how I feel. This is definitely not the healthy way to be so I will set the goal today to TALK, TALK, TALK! How will anyone know what I want or expect from them if I don't communicate with them? I have feelings and wants that will make happy and I will no longer keep them buried inside. I love the promise of never going to bed angry or mad.

I now know what true love feels like and what a great feeling it is! I am no longer standing alone. I like the fact that my words are valued and that someone really does care to hear what I have to say. My emptiness for that "ONE" missing piece to my life has been fulfilled and I am grateful. Thank you Randy for walking beside me and not making me follow. Thank you for loving me entirely and for being able to overlook my faults and just love me for the person that I am! I am excited about our future together, along with our children, and all of the new memories that we will have together! I love you baby!

I am happy, I am safe, and I am loved!

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me, and just be my friend. - Albert Camus

Today I am back on my roller coaster of emotions, but I am feeling different about the way I am going to handle it. Today I will own up to what I need to do to put my mind at ease and I WILL NOT let the negativity suck me in.

I am learning on my journey that you definitely need some supportive people to talk to or you really will just go insane. I am thankful for the friends and family that I have in my life and especially my new love because they all, at some point, have needed to be my rock that centers me. It's hard to get to that point where you are willing to knock down that walls that you have built around yourself and let someone in, but with practice and patience I am working on that. There is some embarrassment involved in this process though because you think to yourself, "What the hell was I doing holding on for so long?", but nonetheless at least I am changing now.

I have always been a fighter in whatever I was doing. One that never gave up until the problem was either solved or gone. This huge problem that I have been dealing with just so happened to last for 14 years and now I want it to just disappear. I don't want to hate Chris because that's just not who I am, but dang it he is making it very easy to do just that very thing. I pray hard everyday that today will be the day that he just lets go and that it's over...no more fighting. Definitely not the case today!

I am ready to love again and enter on a new journey. I have been sitting in the background long enough and I am kind of feeling impatient to be done with the divorce. I pray for the strength to keep going, I pray for wisdom to not fall for the old lies, I pray for honesty in my words so not to hurt anyone, I pray for guidance so I know my direction. Mostly I pray for happiness though, I deserve it!

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today has been a productive day, actually it was a good day! I found some clarity in what I was feeling and I am finally able to say what I feel without being afraid of anyone being mad about it. I am safe in my thoughts and for sure in my life and that really feels good.

So, onto my thoughts...

The divorce process is such a huge part of my uneasiness and stress for sure. I have finally let go and now I just have to convince the other party that it's the right thing for everyone involved. I have definitely moved on and am no longer in that relationship, physically or mentally. It's hard and probably the hardest thing that I've ever had to do because it means that the family that we had and the life and the friends are no longer ours, but his or mine. Kind of strange, but not the worst thing that I could be dealing with by no means. Progress for sure!!

Onto happy thoughts. I am comfortable in my own skin today. Feeling a bit sassy and a whole lot more at ease. Maybe it was a conversation that I had with one of my oldest and dearest friends today. I was reminded that when I form my relationships with others, whether it is a man or a woman, I have always given it my everything. Although I have allowed some of my relationships to overpower me, this being the case of my failed marriage, this will not be the case anymore. I am a strong woman who is deserving of true love and true happiness.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day and who knows what it holds, but I do know that I will be just a little bit stronger than today and definitely alot stronger than yesterday. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other and breathe!

Love the one you are with...I do. Good night!

Blah

Today has been a difficult day. It seems that there is no end in sight to the insanity going on in my life. I feel as if I am on this roller coaster that never stops. There are moments when I am completely happy and at ease then there are those moments when I am feeling stressed and tense. I wish on days like this there was a manual available to just open up and turn to a page and suddenly you just know how to get through it all.

I have left myself completely open to be hurt and taken advantage of for so long that it sometimes feels like I don't even know how the other side of that is supposed to feel or if even in fact what I am experiencing now still isn't that. I have never been one to hurt people's feelings by any means, but lately somehow that's all I have been doing. My kids, my friends, and my life I feel that I have just abandoned it all. I feel like a fish out of water because I am not taking care of everyone and making sure that they are happy and all of their needs are met, but instead I am sitting here in my selfish little life...

I suppose the saying stands true, "You are your own worst enemy", but it still sucks nonetheless. Tonight I will pray a little longer and try to work through all the garbage because this is driving me nuts!

Goals for tomorrow...
1. make a conscious effort to not hurt anyone's feelings
2. be kind to myself
3. let the ones that I love know that I love them
4. put one foot in front of the other and breathe

Here I Am!

I have recently taken a break from my writing and somehow found myself back here again (thanks Babe). This time though I am writing with a bit more clarity than the previous entries and a heck of alot more confidence. Lots of changes have happened over the past few months and in taking a look back and reading the other blogs I would have to say it's been very good change.

To start, I am officially in the process of divorce, I filed the final paper today which now begins the 60 day countdown. There were moments of feeling weak and powerless through this process, but with the help from some very loving and kind people I have found strength to follow through with it and FINALLY to listen to my heart as well. I am at peace with my decisions and no longer have any regrets. This is what I need and what is good for just me.

It's been a long time since I have ever felt like I was being selfish, but right now I definitely would call it that because this is totally all about me and my feelings. I am owning my destiny in a way and taking charge of what I want in my life. Positive, kind, caring, and loving people to surround me. I deserve all that is good and to smile every day and to be able to laugh with someone. I am the happiest that I have been in a long while and look forward to each new day and what it will bring.

I pray every day for guidance and peace to continue in the direction that I am headed and to simply just be happy! To new beginnings and second chances...

Phenomenally, phenomenal woman, that's me!

I Am Not Alone...

Today seemed like it was a little more slow moving than the previous days have been. Maybe it was the weather outside that made me want to stay in bed, I wasn't sure. I came home lastnight to an empty house which really wasn't all that different from a lot of other nights, but lastnight seemed different, I was lonelier.

I don't know how to be alone really and I think that is what scares me the most. My whole life has always been filled with people. My family, my kids, my husband, my friends. Someone has always needed me. And coming home to my empty house it brought out the thought that maybe it's not so much that someone needed me, but now I needed someone. The only person that I can think of in my quietness today was HIM.

For quite some time now I haven't needed HIM, so I thought, and really lost focus of our relationship. I quit talking to HIM and quit thinking of HIM. This really brought on an empty feeling deep within. I tried to stay in bed today and sleep because then I wouldn't have to think about it all. It didn't work. So, I just started talking and explaining what has been going on with me and my thought processes. I admitted that I was afraid of what the future had in store for me and my kids. I told HIM that I was ashamed that I pushed him aside and how I thought I could do this on my own. I felt more at ease once I was finished. Then I got out of bed.

So, another realization for me today has been that I am not alone, HE is always with me. This brought so much comfort to me and I was able to push aside all those ugly feelings that were trying to overcome me. I ended up having a good time with my family tonight because I was willing to let go once again. I am going to make it a point to quit trying to control everything in my life because that just isn't how things work. Everything happens for a reason. It has to or it just keeps repeating itself.

I am off to bed now in my empty house, but tonight I am not lonely this time.

I went into today with only one mission in mind and that was to be kind to myself. I laid in bed for a long time deciding what I really wanted to do to achieve this morning. This then brought me back to my inventory of "I wants", which is basically everything that I have been without for so long. These "things" are not real things that I could just run to the store and buy, but simpler things because I wanted to start out small. So, I decided that I wanted to laugh. Simple...yeah right. I am a horrible joke teller so that was of no help. Nothing too funny happened to me lately, still no help. Then in that moment a light bulb went off in my head.

A little background information first...

As part of making myself a better person I began a workout program with one of my close friends here in NE. The goal was to be healthier, but this has given me more than just better physical health I have realized and it now included better mental health as well. And this is why...

I remembered back to a class that we took on Wednesday of this week which was a Body Pump class. This class is a high intensity weight lifting/cardio workout which includes using variations of movements and weights throughout the workout to build muscle. This class is taught by a very small oriental woman that really gets into the workouts. On this night she went into great detail to explain what muscles we were working on and where they were located and such. So, we get to the arms portion of the workout and she flexes her arm to demonstrate what this muscle was and how the proper exercised one should look like. Kathy and I, very confident that we had it, too, both flexed like she did only to find out we were broken because ours definitely didn't look like hers. We quickly quit trying to find this lost muscle and picked up our weights without saying anything more, even to each other. I pretended not to see her looking for hers though.

Still in bed, I called up Kathy and started talking about that class and admitted to her that I couldn't find that muscle the instructor was talking about. She confessed that she couldn't find hers either. Finally, something funny to laugh about! This continued on for quite sometime as we inventoried ALL of the muscles that had disappeared over time on our bodies and couldn't see anymore. Still laughing.

So, in being kind to myself, I learned to laugh at myself. As simple as it was it was powerful. This set the tone for my whole day and I continued finding the humor in everything that I faced. A conversation that I had with my youngest son about my makeover, my grandson's silly little faces he was making, my throbbing toe, and most importantly... ME. I laughed the whole day and I felt good knowing I had the confidence to do it out loud. I felt surrounded in a warmth that I haven't felt before. Maybe it was HIM shining his ever powerful light upon me to let me know he could hear me, maybe it was simply the sun, maybe it was just all the hot air I was letting out in my laughter. It felt wonderful whatever it was and am thankful today for that lesson to myself.

Day 2 of my Quest

So, now I am into my second day of finding myself. Today I am feeling that I have a little bit more clarity on where I am heading with my life. There is a sense of calm deep within and I am feeling quite at peace with my decisions up to this point. Another positive thing that I have found out is that I can trust my gut to lead me into the right direction and that I don't have to second guess whether it is the right thing to do. I can make decisions that will benefit me and be safe in making them.

I am heading towards a divorce for the second time which has brought on all this searching to find myself. At first, I thought to myself, "What is wrong with me that I can't make a marriage work after 13 years?". Now though I know that it wasn't just me that helped in this breakdown. It was both of us and I am willing to accept my responsibility for my part, but I am also going to let it go now and move forward. Instead of trying to fix it like I normally would have done or have tried to do I am now going to fix myself so that this doesn't happen again.

I am worthy of receiving honest, sincere, and loving relationships from others and with that said I am going to search for just that. I have let others take advantage of my own identity and takeover in my relationships, but starting today that will change. I am taking the power back and the only person you will see is ME!

If someone that I meet during this quest of finding myself doesn't like the person they see in front of them then maybe they weren't meant to be a part of my life anyway. Today the goal is as follows: love myself, trust myself, laugh, and take the time to smell those roses everyone speaks about. Ha ha. See I am already laughing!!! Maybe I will discover that I am a real funny person, too. I love you and I love ME!

A day spent in thought.

Today seems like it's going to be one of those days when you just feel the need to inventory your life. A day when you question all your life's decisions and wonder what the meaning was behind each one that you made. Well, for me I am in this day, ready to evaluate where I am and where I am heading. So long ago I have given up being a person who was selfish and wantful because I had my children so young. I made every decision based on how it was going to affect them. In doing this though I feel I have cheated myself somehow and now have lost sight of who I really am. I let go of my "I wants" and replaced them with "what they need". So 21 years after the birth of my first child I am now finding that there are things that I really want out of life that I haven't been afforded before. These things though, I am realizing, are such a dramatic turn from where I am at right now that I find it kind of scary to even be wanting them at my age. Anyhow, here it goes. Maybe saying them out loud will make it more reality. I want to know that I have raised three children up to be prosperous, generous, loving, kind, and respectful adults. I want to know love like no other where there is no pity or shame in feeling that way towards someone or that someone feels that way about me. I want to help others and give back through a medical career so that I can be happy of what I accomplished that day. I want to be a woman that is able to stand on her own two feet without feeling insecure or lonely or helpless. I want to be a powerful influence on my grandson and teach him the important things about life. I want to be a role model for all those that I encounter in my life, giving hope that things really can change. Well, anyway, those are just the tip of the iceburg of things that I am finding in my heart today. Writing this has been uplifting and I feel a bit more at ease with my quest for happiness. Thank you for reading. Dance as if no one's watching...Sing as if no one's listening...Live as if there's no tomorrow!