Full Speed Ahead

Currently I am working very hard to stay focused on what I want for my life. The quest for happiness seems to be a little bit difficult lately. I find myself falling back into my old ways of thinking and the feelings of insecurity keep resurfacing. I don't know how to convince my mind and heart that it's all going to be OK even though it sometimes feels like I am spinning out of control. If I could just make the two understand that because it's different or new it doesn't always mean bad or not right.

I did make progress though and feel much better today about where I am at with my kids. Honesty is always a good thing and since I have left them in the dark for so long on what has been going on in my life, being able to tell them finally has been such a relief. Letting them see me happy and letting them know that I am safe I think was long overdue. I have always strived for greatness when it came to how my children saw me and I think to show them that although I have been weak periodically, I will be strong for all of us now.

Getting to the point of letting go of control over everything is yet another thing on my list to correct. When I feel that I am not in control of things I start to feel panicked and tend to back down and just turn away. I have to understand that GOD has a plan for my life and HE has led me right to where I am today. Although the road seems uncertain and unpredictable I am right where I am supposed to be. So, goal for today, just sit back and let things happen and QUIT trying to control it.

Communication is another area I want to work on. I am so used to not being heard that I finally just quit talking and telling people how I feel. This is definitely not the healthy way to be so I will set the goal today to TALK, TALK, TALK! How will anyone know what I want or expect from them if I don't communicate with them? I have feelings and wants that will make happy and I will no longer keep them buried inside. I love the promise of never going to bed angry or mad.

I now know what true love feels like and what a great feeling it is! I am no longer standing alone. I like the fact that my words are valued and that someone really does care to hear what I have to say. My emptiness for that "ONE" missing piece to my life has been fulfilled and I am grateful. Thank you Randy for walking beside me and not making me follow. Thank you for loving me entirely and for being able to overlook my faults and just love me for the person that I am! I am excited about our future together, along with our children, and all of the new memories that we will have together! I love you baby!

I am happy, I am safe, and I am loved!

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me, and just be my friend. - Albert Camus